Stop going to bars immediately

A nice pub, complete with a live band.
A nice pub, complete with a live band.

Bars suck. Seriously, they are the living worst. They might be fine if you live in some parochial city, where the bar is always half empty, and prices are low because it’s a generally cheap place to live. Or if you live in America, where drinking at the bar is a culture, table service is a culture, and even in New York on a Friday night you’ll be able to find somewhere chilled out to drink. But drinking in bars in London is a disaster.

For a start, what is the point of spending time drinking alcohol in the company of others? It’s to achieve one of two things. Either, it’s to get slowly sozzled in the company of good friends and gossip your hearts out. Or, it’s to dance yourself out of the misery of the working week with other people who want the same things as you. Neither of these two things can be achieved in a bar.

If you want to see your friends, presumably you want to be able to hear them too – at least more than just the friend you’re sitting next to. Once you reach a certain point in life, most of your friends will be couples. You will probably be in a couple. Unless you make a seating plan when you get to the bar, you will end up sitting next to your partner, who you surely love very much, but who you can talk to any time. You will not be able to hear anybody else. In a pub, you can hear everyone, and you can discuss what you please with who you like.

If you want to dance your heart out, you need banging tunes and a dancefloor. Bars pump out great tunes, and you want to dance – but there isn’t a dancefloor. So there you all, all psyched up with no place to go. What’s the point of that? You could start in the bar and move to the club, but that’s a very expensive, loud, and draining way to do a few predrinks. Better to go to the pub – or someone’s house, where you have full control over the music.

The third strike against bars is they’re always too expensive, too crowded, and everyone is trying to order cocktails, despite the fact that only two people are serving. This means that you’re spending half a fucking hour at the bar every time you want a drink – even if you only want a beer, because everyone in front of you wants a cocktail. This is a complete waste of time and energy. Life is short; we spend most of it working, commuting, sleeping, doing laundry, and other boring things. The fun parts of your life should be spent cackling in a corner with your best friend – not waiting at the bar for an overpriced drink.

Finally, bars are full of the worst type of men. The type of men that assume that because your boyfriend isn’t attached to your arm with glue, you’re fine cheating on him. The type who see an engagement ring as a challenge. The type who don’t even care, they just want to press their dicks against your arse as you’re waiting for your drinks, knowing you’ll be too nervous to call them out. All of these men congregate in bars. Leave bars and go to the pub. Some pubs even have cats. Many pubs have gardens, many pubs have tasty food.

Don’t go to the bar.

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